9 May 2013

Summer 2013 at the Movies. Smells of....Cheap Cleaning Product and Melted Cheese...


Going to the cinema is a pivotal part of the summertime experience. Blockbusters come rolling out on a weekly basis, box-office registers go kaboom and Kevin James surfaces at least once too many. Summer 2013 is shaping up to be an intriguing season of filmic goodness, and to help get you in the mood, here are a few predictions and suggestions concerning the months ahead.

 
#1 – Attend at least one film you normally wouldn’t. Last year mine was “Rock of Ages”. So yeah. fuck this idea and let’s start from scratch below.

#2 – “Pacific Rim” and “The Lone Ranger” will probably flop. They’re both massively budgeted, and while I have faith each will be fun, a surprisingly small number of people seem to care either way. Should “Lone Ranger” fumble it’ll mark a dark day for Johnny Depp after last year’s financially underwhelming “Dark Shadows”.

#3 – Go to a blockbuster with an elderly person. Because nothing makes you feel more intellectually superior than reciting the specifics of a fantasy flick’s convoluted plot to responses of “wha?” and “that’s not very likely”.

#4 – Attend an outdoor screening if possible, cause it’s summer. I mean movies are great and all, but you should at least attempt to get some sun you big nerd.

#5 – Nothing will trump “Iron Man 3” at the box-office. Not even Superman or Paul Walker.

#6 – If you encounter a group of well-behaved youths, sit behind them, shouting, making crass jokes and lobbing popcorn. It’s ironic you see.

#7 – Try and sneak your cat into a theatre. Bonus points if you get away with it having a tinkle whilst there.

#8- Roll up the cinema one afternoon, and just go see the next movie that happens to be showing. Unless it’s “Grown Ups 2”.

#9 - Monster’s University will continue the trend of diminishing returns for Pixar movies. It’ll probably be okay – but the glory days are liable to start feeling even more distant

#10 – “The Conjuring” and “This is the End” will be the dark horses this year, both critically and in terms of monetary success

#11 – If you’ve never mixed sweet and salted popcorn together, rectify your oversight. It’s amazing.

#12 – Do Crystal Meth in the bathroom, have sex in the lobby or pay to see something Michael Bay’s involved with. Whichever you choose, it’s self-destructive and debasing behaviour.
 
 
 
An article by Daniel Kelly, 2013

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